Becoming a gay parent in Russia using surrogacy... Our story and why we choose Russia against (nearly) all advice.
Over the last few months, several people have reached out to us via Facebook, asking about our experience with doing surrogacy in Saint Petersburg, Russia.
I remember when we started considering surrogacy, the amount of information was almost none, especially as it related to gay couples or persons.
As such, we decided to share this topic and experience as our first post as soon to be gay parents. It is an interesting topic after all, well at least we think so!
However, if you find this blog post as boring, let us know, as I’d love to hear the feedback.
So first of all, let me provide with some background information on us:
- We are not Russian
- I don't speak Russian
- We are not being sponsored or endorsing any company we name in this post
- This blog represents my opinions based exclusively on our experience. Others may have had or will have different experiences; my goal is to share not create controversy. ✅
- We are an openly gay couple living in London ✅
- Myself and my husband have been together for coming up to 6 years ✅
- I am Irish, and he is from Kazakhstan✅
- We also have two dogs, who will soon be joined by our daughter in a 3 short weeks ✅
For the purpose of this post, I want to keep our names private, as we have some legal aspects that need to be completed until our new little family is home.
I’m currently in Saint Petersburg, and my partner is back in London. We were both supposed to come together next week. However, with the Coronavirus progressing across several countries, we decided it was best for one of us to be in Saint Petersburg before any travel restrictions. We could not have imagined being trapped in the UK and our daughter being in Saint Petersburg without us.
So here I am alone, unable to speak to local language or lingo, and in one of the most homophobic countries in the world...
However, don't get your violins our and start playing for me yet!
I love Russia. I have been coming here yearly as a travel destination for about 4 years and yet to have a bad experience. Even when I tell people I visit here often, they always look at me a bit strange as if to say, but “you’re GAY”......
Honestly, it is a great place to visit whether you’re gay or straight. I’ll come back to the topic of being gay in Russia later, especially regarding surrogacy. Whether you are looking for a surrogacy option or not, I suggest visiting Russia. Here is a link to some areas you should visit https://www.56thparallel.com/visit-russia/.
So, with that our background information is all established, let’s answer some of the questions I've fielded from people thinking about doing surrogacy in Russia.
"Why did we choose Russia and not America?"
The honest answer is Money!!!
If we could spend whatever we wanted and didn't have to think about money, then yes, American would be great. We could chill in Florida for two months after the baby is born and have our first family holiday.
However, the total price in Russia will cost us around £52,000, and I get that’s a hell of a lot of money, but we were able to pay in installments at various points in the process. The quote we received for surrogacy in America was $140,000, which is a massive difference.
So, the honest answer is we just don't have that kind of cash, and owe didn't want to take out loans or be facing large debts. Thus, we chose – Russia.
"How did we find the company we used?"
As I mentioned, my partner is from Kazakhstan, which is a Russian speaking country. Being in London, there are several Russians, which I never noticed before I met my partner. Anyway, they all seem to know each other. This connection led to a Russian friend having some friends who had prior experience with the company we ended up using.
I will be honest at this point I was 90% against the idea of doing surrogacy in Russia, despite the cost and the fact I had been to Russia and enjoyed it so much. But, my back up plan was to sell my husband’s kidneys to make up the extra money.... just kidding!
So we set up a Skype call with the couple we had been put in touch via our friend. This couple lives in Span and have done surrogacy twice in Russia. First, 11 years ago with their son and three years later with their twins.
This call was pivotal in getting me to seriously consider Russia as a surrogacy destination. After an hour of talking to the couple and looking for the negatives, we only came up with one, which is we have to do it as a single person (I will cover that in a separate question).
Then we reached out to the company and set up a Skype with them...
"Everyone warned us against choosing Russia, saying it’s so dangerous"
So, this is the main thing people are reaching out to me about surrogacy in Russia. Again, I want to be clear that I’m only talking about my experience and the research I have done.
I always ask who is this person giving their opinion? Have they or anyone they know done surrogacy in Russia? The answer is always the same "JUST A FREIND" & "NO." To be clear, the people giving this advice are making the same massive assumptions I made when I was thinking about Russia as an option.
We understand it is hard to find people in Russia who want to talk about having done surrogacy. However, people exist who have done the process before and can offer the information needed to make a decision. Even now, we can only offer a partial insight into the process since we are still awaiting our baby’s arrival.
However, for some people I’ve spoken to their options are Russia or Ukraine, for financial reasons, or not having a baby at all.
So here is my advice.
- Find people who have gone through agencies, ask prior clients for referrals.
- Ignore people who give you their advice based on what they read in the Sun newspaper.
- Visit Russia or Ukraine to get a feel for the country.
They "could take the baby from us once born"
I can't and won’t tell you this could not happen or won’t happen. However, I’ve spent a long time looking for people this happened to, and I’ve found a grand total of ZERO. But I did find several articles of people who have done surrogacy in Russia and have not had the baby taken from them.
Yes, I’m aware this is a genuine concern. However, if I could offer you advice it would be to do your own research, find people who can give you factual information, rather than what they think they know.
Asking someone for advice on such an important topic is like asking my grandmother for advice on fixing your car (she has no idea, she would be guessing). Instead, find someone who can fix cars and get advice from them.
"You could be killed or beaten up for being gay"
Again, let’s look at facts. Yes, there is homophobic people in Russia. However, it’s not the only place homophobic attacks occur (look at the links below).
I can go on like this all day, and yes, the difference is Russia has homophobic laws. However, that’s not what I’m discussing here. I’ve been to Russia probably 12 times, and my partner lived there for a year and was never attacked. And we could just as easily be attacked in London!
In the UK and America, there are members of government who openly blame heavy flooding and storms on gay marriage. So, every country has its issues.
My advice is make a list of 5 places in your country where you would not be openly gay. This exercise will help you see the world is full of ignorant homophobic people and you can't let them stop us from living our lives.
Lastly, in London alone, over 165 homophobic attacks were recorded in 2019, according to The Guardian Newspaper (https://www.theguardian.com/world/2019/jun/14/homophobic-and-transphobic-hate-crimes-surge-in-england-and-wales).
"Would both parents be in Russia when the baby is born?"
Unfortunately – no - the law does not recognise our marriage, which sucks. However, I didn't get married for government recognition. So here is how it works. Only one of us is considered the parent and considered a single person because gay couples cannot have a baby via surrogacy in Russia.
Once back in London, we will apply for a personal order, which also has to happen if we choose surrogacy in America, so it’s not that different.
We have friends who did surrogacy last year in America (they have deeper pockets than us), and they recommended the solicitor we are using to help us get a peril order obtain a new UK birth certificate for our baby.
The people who recommended this solicitor say it’s going to cost around £8000-£10000. While we found cheaper options (around £6000), our friend who recommended this person is also a solicitor. So I know if they were happy using him, then so will we. We are also happy to share his details if anyone is interested.
Anyway that's it for now
We will be updating this blog at all of the final stages of the process
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